Reflections
by Lady Marionette
Summary: Garrus has many demons haunting him. Alena Shepard tries to help him come to terms with them. Lemony goodness ensues. femShepxGarrus


**Reflections**

By Lady Marionette

Summary: Garrus has many demons haunting him. Alena Shepard tries to help him come to terms with them. Lemony goodness ensues. femShepxGarrus

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He lay there in the dark, staring up through the clear ceiling to watch the glittering stars above. The steady hum of the distant drive core soothed him, and the shifting glow of the ship's trail, dancing like the borealis, cast a shimmering blue glow across the sheets. The dimmed clock ticked away, taunting him. He couldn't sleep, only think.

A sigh, nigh imperceptible save to his sharp ears, washed over him and he turned his head. She was…a mystery to him. Curled against his arm, her face pressed against his shoulder, he could feel the steady puffs of warm breath bathing his skin. Shepard. Alena. His…what was she? She was so many things to him.

Not just a comrade. Not just a friend.

He'd called many "friend" back in his days as a C-Sec officer and even further back when he was just a military man. Men and women he had worked side-by-side with, teamed with, and trusted. Days filled with military operations, or later investigations…and paperwork. Closing cases and bringing criminals to justice…and sometimes watching in deep-seated frustration as they sprang free from his impotent grasp. Nights spent off-duty with co-workers out relaxing at clubs, drinking and laughing as lively music thrummed heady beats through their bodies. And sometimes, of course, nights spent "blowing off steam."

Garrus had long since given up labeling this "blowing off steam." Not with her. She was…different; unique. For the first time in his life he'd found someone he could imagine sharing his days with. She was his foil.

He'd never met anyone like her. He remembered when he first saw her prowling up the tower's steps, surefooted and graceful, much like any turian. Her eyes were steady and unafraid and, more to his surprise, devoid of the distrust and distaste he was used to seeing from Alliance humans towards his kind.

She had addressed him as an equal, as if she didn't see him as a turian. They had spoken only briefly before the male, Kaidan, had hastily ushered her away, casting a wary eye in his direction as they continued on. He hadn't been able to forget that look she'd given him, piercing and honest. He had been…intrigued.

Alena released a small sound—a stifled cry perhaps?—as she frowned in her sleep, snapping him from his thoughts. Her nightmares never ended, and Garrus felt pained as she started to shift, pushing away at imaginary foes. He leaned towards her, careful to not disturb her before gently brushing the back of his hand against her soft cheek. He pressed his lips against the crown of her head, gently.

"Shhh," he soothed quietly. "It's alright…I'm here…" and she sighed again, her face freeing from her frown as she nuzzled into his arm and once more relaxed against his side.

He wondered briefly what nightmare gripped her this time. Was it the collectors? The reapers? Or perhaps they were troubling dreams of her days as an orphaned child on the squalid streets of Earth? She didn't like speaking of those days…days spent with the Tenth Street Reds as they scavenged the fetid streets of a shining city's underbelly. What was the place called? He pondered it for only a moment before shrugging it away, caressing her cheek once more.

How could someone so soft be so strong? How could a species like hers have risen to the dominance it had? She was made of velvet and silk…her flesh tore easily and her head was covered in fine strands of hair. Turians, on the other hand, were made of tough scale and thick skin and bony fringe.

He had thought humans weak for that…perhaps, however, it was because of their physical frailty that they were so strong as a race. As backwards as that might seem, he wondered if it had driven them to achieve greater things. Indeed, even with such drawbacks, she had certainly impressed him with her skill and will, an indomitable force if ever he'd seen one. Garrus had never fancied himself a human lover. He had respected humans…but they were alien to him and he'd been raised to be wary of their intentions and aggressive ways.

"Prone to violence and dishonor…dangerous and unpredictable...do not trust a human; watch them and learn so you can overcome them when they turn on you." He remembered that teaching from his youth, a grizzled and embittered instructor's hard lesson to a naïve class of students, none of whom were old enough to remember a galaxy devoid of human presence.

Yet in the years that followed, he'd learned differently. He learned that they were just people. Some were cowardly and wicked and some…some were different, like her.

Back then in Doctor Michel's office, with fire in his eyes, he had stopped just short of demanding he go with her. She had looked up at him calmly, her violet eyes assessing him before she nodded. "Welcome aboard, Garrus. Glad to have you with us," and most surprisingly, he could tell she meant it. How could she so easily trust him? While he was pleased to be included, he was taken aback at how quickly she had accepted his aid. He was a turian, after all, and she an Alliance soldier.

But such thoughts had been quickly squelched. They had a mission to perform, a quarian to save. He had decided he could puzzle over this human later.

Over the months that followed, he'd come to learn a great deal about humans. He saw the best and worst in them, but of all the humans he dealt with while following her lead, she had enraptured him the most. Not in any romantic sense, no…but she became a symbol, an ideal. From, there, he quickly stopped seeing her as a human and instead began to see her as herself: Commander Alena Shepard, Spectre, and the one _person_ he'd come to respect and admire above and beyond all others.

When she had died, he'd felt as though a car had swooped in and smacked him stunned. Shepard was dead? Impossible, she can't die. The reaper, Sovereign, had tried and couldn't. In the smoldering wreckage of the burned out citadel tower, he watched her rise from ashes himself. But when enough time passed and he saw she wasn't going to stride from the Normandy's corpse, he had to finally accept reality. The one element of change, the one soul determined and capable of making the impossible possible, the one person he had believed could make anything happen…was gone.

He had watched the Alliance desecrate her memory, had watched C-Sec further mire itself in incompetence, and watched the council spit on her grave. One of his dearest friends was tossed aside by red tape and politics and the galaxy withdrew into its shell. He had to get out…Shepard might be gone, but there would be at least one person out there doing what was necessary. Even if it meant disappearing, even if it meant disownment…and even if it meant his death, he would do what he could to try and fill the void she had left.

He grieved, and then he took his grief and turned it into a tool.

He remembered on Omega, battered and weary, watching through his scope as a familiar figure peered around a distant column. He had felt a kick in his gut and his heart stilled as her face came into focus. She was alive. She was here. The sharp crack of a bullet near his head returned his attention to the mercs surrounding his base and he picked another two off in quick succession. Pressed as he was, his heart soared and he felt a new wind beneath his wings. _She was alive._

So many things had happened in those two years and now he had nothing but time and memories to pour over. Oh, how those memories haunted him.

He quietly rose from the bed, careful to not disturb Shepard. He paced silently, unable to shake the wrenching that tore at him. He leaned against the wall that split the aquarium, relishing the shocking cold against his scales. The memories…they never seemed to stop hounding him. While he often hid it from Shepard, not wishing to weigh her down with his own issues, that didn't mean they didn't bother him.

Sidonis.

Garrus closed his eyes, his head tilted back as he tried to swallow the mixed emotions that broiled within him. He turned to gaze at the deep blue of the aquarium, watching the exotic fish dart lazily back and forth. No peace to be found there, but he could try and let his mind go blank following their movements. He crossed his arms over his naked chest, drifting in the sea of conflict that overtook him.

Sidonis. He was a traitor who led to the deaths of ten of his comrades. Garrus knew he'd done the right thing. He knew, but that didn't make it easy to live with. He'd been driven to strike him down, but when Garrus had listened to Sidonis' words, fueled with anger and hurt as he was and as he watched the man he'd once called "friend," he'd found he couldn't do it. His men's' faces drifted through his minds' eye, watching him, and he felt their accusations. Did he do right by them? Sidonis, threatened by their enemies, had chosen to save himself. A cowardly thing…something no turian would do, Garrus had once thought. It had been unfathomable to him that one of his kind could ever betray their team. He should have learned his lesson with Saren, but apparently he hadn't…and Sidonis had shattered that now-fragile belief.

When the time came to make a choice, when Garrus stared at that broken husk of a "turian," Garrus' rage had ebbed. Reasoning returned. Sidonis' words, feeble and inadequate, had done little…no, it was what Garrus had seen within him that stayed his bullet. The brokenness, Sidonis' own realization that he was nothing…that he had lost the very essence of their own people and had lost that spirit that made a turian what he was. Garrus remembered his father's words to him when he was a child, words that spoke of honor and a love for true justice, words that urged rising above the pettiness that gripped many…Garrus heard their echo in Shepard's words as she pleaded in his ear. And Garrus looked at Sidonis and himself and realized he couldn't pull the trigger.

"Garrus?"

Her voice was gentle, soft, and quizzical; a thunderclap that shattered him from his troubled reverie. He looked over to her as she stepped near him, a sheet held wrapped around her body to stave off the cool air of the cabin.

His gaze returned to the fish. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to wake you," he whispered finally.

He heard her sigh and she wrapped her arms around his waist, encasing him in the sheet as she pressed her naked body against his back. "You didn't, Garrus," she murmured, closing her eyes. She rested her head against his shoulder, nuzzling him gently. Garrus uncrossed his arms, cupping the backs of her hands with is palms, welcoming her warmth.

"Nightmares again?"

He felt her nod against his skin. "But I'm more worried about you," she whispered. "I saw you pacing. Are you alright?"

Sighing again, he looked down at her hands, petite and fragile-seeming in his own. "No matter how much time seems to pass, it doesn't seem to get any easier" he finally admitted. He felt her arms tighten briefly in a hug as she pulled him closer.

"With Sidonis?"

Garrus nodded and felt her tugging him. He turned toward her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Alena searched his face, seeing the conflict in his eyes. His mandibles were twitching steadily, a sure sign of agitation. She cupped Garrus' cheek and he pressed his forehead against hers, eyes closed as he turned his face into her palm.

"I think…" he looked away, musing for a moment and mulling over his thoughts. "A part of me keeps saying I should have taken the shot…but I know it would have been wrong…or maybe that's what I keep telling myself to make it right." He scowled. "Damn it, nothing's ever simple."

He pulled away from Alena, who only watched him with unreadable eyes. He returned to his pacing, a hand reaching up to brush over his fringe. "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd taken that shot. Maybe…maybe I wouldn't still be dealing with this."

"Garrus…" she shook her head and stepped up to him. Alena placed a hand gently on his arm and he stilled.

"I haven't been able to sleep through the night for months…every time I close my eyes, I see their faces. I just…I don't know if I did the right thing for them." He glanced at her quickly. "I know why you fought for him, but sometimes I wish you hadn't," he whispered quietly, defeat ringing distant in his voice.

Shepard sensed the deeper implications in his words, the inflection of his tone. His tense, hunched shoulders bowed under the weight of an unending burden…and a sorrow in his eyes so deep she felt her heart tear for him.

"Oh, Garrus…" Without hesitation she pulled Garrus back into her embrace and held him tightly. This time he didn't flinch, but he didn't move or speak either. "I wasn't fighting for him, Garrus…" she closed her eyes as he trembled, suppressing an outburst. "I was fighting for you."

He stilled, burying his face in her hair as he breathed her scent. "Why?" he asked bluntly.

"You had me worried, Garrus," she frowned. "You were so…hell-bent on killing Sidonis, no matter what. No matter the cost. You were in a dark place…I just wanted you to have all the information before pulling that trigger. I wanted it to be _you_ making that decision, not your anger."

Garrus pulled back sharply. "Sidonis was a coward!" he snarled. "We were friends. We fought together, made plans together, shared memories. Damn it, Shepard, we were all like brothers. And he _betrayed_ us." He pulled away and stalked angrily, his scales flared like raised hackles, a caged predator without an avenue for release.

Her eyes followed Garrus. "But when you learned about what happened to him…you couldn't do it."

He stopped and clenched his fist. "No. No, I couldn't." He took a deep breath and she watched the tension dissolve from his body. "Sometimes…I think _I'm_ the real coward."

Alena scoffed. Covering the distance with quick strides, she pulled him around sharply and his mandibles flared in surprise. "Garrus, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say."

He blinked in shock at the anger etched on her face. "Pardon?"

She shook her head in disbelief. "I don't ever want to hear you call yourself that. You, a coward?" Her voice rose in volume with each sentence. "Garrus, you're many things but 'coward' isn't one of them. How many people would throw themselves into the middle of merc-central and proceed to beat every hornet nest on the station into a spitting fury? How many people would face down an army of geth without flinching? How many people would go skipping into the middle of collector central and not bat an eye? A coward? No." she shook her head in disbelief.

She cut him off as he opened his mouth. "No, Garrus, you aren't a coward." She quieted, rubbing her eyes with the ball of her hand. "I don't think I would love you so much if you were." His eyes widened slightly and she cupped his scarred cheek. "You're the bravest man I've met, Garrus Vakarian. And I've met a lot of brave men and women. Not because you would willingly throw yourself headlong into impossible situations with impossible odds…but because few people have the guts to face their demons and overcome them."

Alena's eyes softened. "And you're not just courageous… you're a good man, an honorable man. You love justice with unrivaled passion and you'd do everything in your power to make things right in the world. There's no one I trust more in this galaxy…no one I'd want more at my side. That day…I know how tough that was for you. I saw how much you struggled with it. I see how much you still struggle with it…and you would be a lesser man if you didn't. But I was never more proud of you…and never more proud to be your friend and comrade. I still am."

Garrus stepped closer to her, brushing the long strands of her auburn hair from her face as he pressed his forehead against hers. "You know," he murmured gently, "you keep talking that way and I won't be able to walk through the door. My head will be too big."

Alena grinned cheekily. "Oh don't pretend that's my fault. You've always been a cocky bastard and you know it."

"Maybe," he shrugged, the corners of his eyes crinkling in a smile, "but you help keep me in check."

"Right now, I don't want you to be 'in check,'" she murmured.

"You admitted you loved me," he pointed out, grinning lazily.

"Garrus," she rolled her eyes with a smile and pulled back, feeling strangely giddy. "You know I do. You're my closest friend and the one I trust more than anyone else. Of course I love you."

With a grin, he cupped her face and pressed his lips against hers. Alena's eyes closed as she savored his slow and sensuous domination. His lips were just slightly rougher than a humans' but pliant as he teased her mouth, slowly deepening in passionate insistence. Alena wrapped her arms around his neck, allowing the sheet to drop as he pressed her against the cool glass of the aquarium. His skin radiated heat as he molded his body to hers, causing her to gasp into his kiss as the contrast of cold and hot sent her head reeling further. He growled low, his eyes hooded and dark, as he eased her lips apart, tracing them with his tongue.

She felt him, hot as lightning, pressing against her stomach and she moaned. His tongue battled hers as his hands left her face to trace down her neck to grasp her shoulders. Her own hands danced down his chest, fluttering over the warm scales of his torso to gently brush the soft skin beneath the edges, causing him to press tightly against her with a groan of his own. He paused in the kiss and her soft, dismayed cry at the interruption rang in the dark room. He panted, still restrained as he nuzzled her gently; first her nose, then her jaw line.

He scooped her into his arms with ease and she wrapped her own around his neck again. She nuzzled his mandible, planting a kiss along the scars and eliciting another deep rumble from his chest. He carried her to the bed and set her down in the midst of the already tangled sheets, crawling over her as he captured her lips in another searing kiss.

Her hands trailed down his scaled chest again to tease at the soft skin of his stomach and then lower. He growled, sitting up to grab her wrists firmly, but gently, and pressing them against the mattress.

"Garrus," she breathed in frustration.

He shook his head. "Not this time," he said, his mandibles pulled up in a smug turian grin.

"We're out of strawberries," she breathed as he gently nibbled along her neck. He trailed a warm path down to her breasts to gently tease each bud to an aching peak, causing her to press into him as she grasped his shoulders tightly. "Garrus!"

His rumble was deep and low, both soothing and thrilling, as it ran vibrating through her body like a struck chord. His talons danced nimbly down her flesh, causing goose bumps in their wake as he settled by her side on the bed. "We'll have to make do without them," he murmured sensuously against her lips as his fingers found her jewel. With a cry she arched sharply, her hands bunching in the sheets as she writhed against his hand.

Alena couldn't think as his hands skillfully worked her into a slow frenzy. His long fingers playing at every nerve, touching every sensitive spot with ardent skill, and she begged for him to release her from the sweet torment. He knew every point on her body, knew what made her cry out and what made her sigh. The feel of his hand was enough to send her reaching for the heavens, but left her wanting. So close and yet it wasn't enough. She needed _him_. His eyes danced much like the stars above her head as he watched her, pleased, as he methodically dismantled her control.

"Garrus," she panted again, begging him with dark violet eyes. How he loved those eyes…loved how they changed from pale in passionate fury to a dark sultry violet when he made love to her. She saved that look for him alone…no one else saw her like this. He kissed her deeply and her hands ran over his body, hot and shaking. Sensing she was ready he let go of her and she released a small cry that was quickly swallowed in his hard kiss.

He carefully settled his body over hers and she felt him, a molten brand, against her core. His claws teased down her thighs and she arched against him, wishing he would move faster. Carefully he shifted her legs over his shoulders, a position both found more satisfying, and entered her gently while his hand brushed over her skin, touching every inch. He groaned as her body swallowed him, his head dropping into the crook of her shoulder. He crooned gently in her ear as he waited for her to adjust, murmuring a musical cacophony of alien notes too softly for the translators to pick up into her ear.

Though she couldn't understand his words, his eyes spoke volumes as he gazed into hers. Tender and awash in emotions she couldn't hope to fully grasp, she understood well-enough what he was trying to say in those moments. _ I love you; I will neither abandon nor forsake you. I will face every hell for you. I will wipe your tears and share your burdens. I delight in your laughter and in your joy. My arms will protect you and my strength will carry you when you tire. I am yours and you are mine._

With a tender kiss and gentle nuzzle, he moved within her and she sighed and gasped his name. He was careful to not move too quickly, aware of how easily her skin chafed against his scales and rougher flesh. Slowly he brought her to heaven's heights, her moans and cries mingling with his deeper rumblings and occasional groan. His coos lilting in her ear as he gradually increased his tempo, a soft nuzzle against her face when she gasped his name.

His rhythm changed and his thrusts deepened and Alena cried out as she held him, his face buried in her hair, a hand cupping a breast as he entered the final, desperate stretch. Her cries rose as she felt herself scrape the heavens and she stood at the precipice. His strokes came longer and harder, his voice harsh as he whispered her name.

She cried out his name and felt herself slip off the edge, a powerful tide washing her away as broiling heat consumed her and all thought. She jerked against the sheets and her vision faded in a sparkle of confused lights as she was dazzled with waves of pleasure. There was only the feel of his body against and in hers, and his scent, a pleasant if alien musky spice.

Garrus' eyes shut tight as he felt her shudder beneath him, his name on her lips a song that thrilled him with a male pride as she milked him. His teeth gritted and he found release, groaning her name as he sunk deep. They lay together and he dropped her legs from his shoulders. Both panting, he rolled to the side, pulling her with him and drawing her close against his chest as he cradled her in his arms.

He pressed his forehead against hers, caressing her cheek gently as they lay locked in their embrace. He murmured again in his alien tongue, his words reverberating through her soothingly.

Her eyes fluttered open to stare into his. "I wish I knew what you were saying. Whatever it is, it sounds lovely," she smiled sleepily.

He smiled back, kissing her forehead sweetly. "I guess you'll just have to learn," he said quietly but loud enough for the translator to pick it up.

She pouted, snuggling against his chest, resting her head beneath his. "You won't just tell me?"

He felt her lashes bat against his skin, tickling him lightly. He chuckled, "no, I won't. I couldn't anyway, there is no direct translation."

She pinched him and he snorted in mirth.

"You just don't want to tell me," she grinned as he pulled her into a tighter embrace, pressing her arms tightly between them as she tried again to pinch the smug turian. He distracted her with a thorough, languid kiss.

"I'll make you a deal," he purred against her mouth. "If you teach me your language, I'll teach you mine."

She rolled her eyes in pretended exasperation. "Oh, alright, if you insist."

"I do. I also insist on you getting me some more strawberries next time we dock," he said with mock gravity.

She arched a brow as she studied his face. "This seems like a rather lopsided arrangement, Mr. Archangel."

He groaned, closing his eyes as though in pain. "Please, '_Garrus'_ to you."

She grinned wickedly. "Are you sure?"

He sighed sadly. "Alright, the strawberries aren't required. But they would be nice." He gave her a longing look, much like a puppy.

She weakened. "Oh, fine, we can go pick up some strawberries," she caved, rolling her eyes at the grin that lit his face. "And I'll even tell the cook to make them a regular addition to his requisition orders. I wouldn't want to deprive you, after all," she joked, playfully batting at his shoulder.

He sighed and she sensed the change in his demeanor. She snuggled back into his chest, stifling a yawn.

"I won't let you die on me again, Alena. I don't think I could handle that."

His voice shook through her, deep and melodic, like still waters in an ancient lake.

"I know you have my back," she murmured sleepily before drifting off.

In the quiet dark, with Alena in his arms, Garrus finally found some measure of peace.

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A/N: And so ends my second fanfic ever (and my first attempt at a lemon)! I really hope you enjoyed it and would greatly appreciate your feedback. ^^


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